if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
