I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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