I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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