Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
