I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There's even glitter on my cock...
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