Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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