I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Randomize
