I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
