There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
