Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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