WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
