Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
My feet surprised me
Randomize
