i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
