If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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