I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
