I accidentally burped into my bong.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
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