After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
