atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We need to get me chipped asap
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
