So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
