Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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