you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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