Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
