Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
