I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
