She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
