Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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