The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
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