Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
