You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
