Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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