yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
