Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
