true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
