I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
