So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
