she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
