I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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