I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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