OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
