theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
