everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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