Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
