I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
