mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
