Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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