Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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