This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
