i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
