Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
