Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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