I just saw a hot homeless man
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
