Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
