I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
