...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
